


Unwanted Memories and tainted beliefs

by allthingsasian



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Child Abuse, Childhood Sexual Abuse, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Repressed Memories, Stockholm Syndrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:01:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28544487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthingsasian/pseuds/allthingsasian
Summary: it’s been 1 month since the Phantom thieves changed Goro’s heart. The repressed memories Goro is experiencing don’t make it any better.
Relationships: Akechi Goro & Akechi Goro's Mother, Akechi Goro & Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro & Persona 5 Protagonist, Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira
Comments: 5
Kudos: 60





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [P5soleilnoir](https://archiveofourown.org/users/P5soleilnoir/gifts).



> This work was inspired by P5soleilnoir with their work called CHERRY BOMB I highly recommend you read it because it’s amazing!
> 
> I got inspired and my mind was in a dark place so writing is the way to let go of the emotions I was having
> 
> WARNING: this story contains elements of child abuse, sexual abuse, child prostitution etc... only read if you feel comfortable. It’s not explicitly described but it is implied.

Goro’s memories of his childhood had always been blurred and unfocused, as if the events had been captured by a grainy low quality camera. Over time the memories would fade even further and the emotions, whether traumatic or positive would eventually fade too.

Until the Phantom Thieves changed his heart....

Along with the gruelling symptoms of nausea, pounding headaches and a dull sense of apathy and guilt growing in his gut. Goro experienced residual flashes of memory. Never failing to make his heart clench in pain or his breathing to become erratic, for reasons not fully known to him at the time. 

While forcibly being held captive at Leblanc (Goro ignores the tiny voice in his head, one sounding awfully like a young boy that tells himthat he came here of his own free will). His dreams shift rapidly from memories of his mother’s hugs, and warmth and the few days where she would lovingly bake a few pancakes- always thin and burnt (he was realising his mother was not the best cook) but full of presumed love and tenderness only a mother could do for her child.

But then the memories begin to etch and fade into something more gruesome and sinister, as if spilt ink had now drenched into the remnantsof those tender memories, forever tainting them into something Goro wanted to forget- forget, and forget and never acknowledge...

* * *

“Mommy are you okay?” a young 5 year old Goro Akechi asked, his innocent expression marred with concern, beaming ruby eyes dimming with worry as he peered at his mother, currently huddled in the corner of their dingy bathroom- hair wild and face sallow as she sobbed, breaths hiccuping as if she couldn’t catch her own breath like she had been put in a chokehold. 

His mother didn’t reply. Goro could see her sharp jagged nails, painted crimson red digging into her scalp as she sobbed harder breathing heavily, as if her entire body was slumped in pain and fatigue, which arguably was the case, given the numerous bruises that marred her grey skin, along with small circular burns on her wrist and a hand shape ridden bruise on her cheek. 

Little Goro Akechi looked on helplessly at his mother’s state, he had sometimes seen his mother cry, especially those few times when he would return to the bath-house to find her partially naked in their small shared bed, crying in pain and despair- but then immediately brightening, albeit forcefully at the sight of her young son, whom she then scooped up and made pancakes with the little groceries they had. 

Goro had never seen his mother like this, and his innocent heart reached out wanting to console and help.

“There, there mommy it’s okay” Goro cooed as he gently embraced his mother, he ignores the bony ridges of her spine that Goro can feel through her thin frame. His mother had now stopped sobbing, now sitting deathly still as she was subjected to her son’s embrace- one she didn’t return which didn’t seem to perturb young Goro as he only hugged her tighter, eyes welling with innocent affection and joy at the one sided contact. 

The only contact Goro knew were the hands of those men that mommy had let into their home. Goro didn’t like them touching him, so to hug his mommy was a nice change. 

For a few moments everything remained rigidly still, the air bubbling with tension and eeriness, the innocent child remaining silently oblivious at his’s mother’s growing agitation to her demeanour.

“Are you okay now-“

_**SMACK** _

Goro didn’t first register the stinging pain in his cheek as the slapped echoed across the room, the motion so rough and abrasive that his fragile frame had been thrown across to the floor where he lay sprawled. Goro had no time to cry out in pain and fright when suddenly his mother, who’s crimson eyes were wild, unhinged and glassy leaped across to him haphazardly. She proceeded to beat and slap him, the pain excruciating and so, so numbing that the little strength Goro was using to hold his small arms in a hopeless defence began to turn lax with the pain. His wounded cries being the only signals of his agony.

His mother while continuously beating him, was screaming obscenities and words which Goro faintly recalled the kids and teachers call him behind his back.

“YOU CURSED DEMON CHILD, YOU BASTARD! JUST DIE. DIE. DIE AND NEVER COME BACK!!” 

To Goro, the beating seemed endless, his mind blanked in pain and shock, barely registering the dark black and blue bruises all over his body- going deeper in colour as he was continuously abused, his cries now decreasing into pained whimpers until he knew no more...

2 hours later Goro woke up in the shared single bed, his body aching with bruises, but a light and gentle sensation came with the delicate brushes his mother was giving to his brown locks. With Goro’s head in his mother’s lap, his black swollen eyes could barely make out the still glassy expression on his mother’s face, eyes reflecting distance and content as she continued to hum and gently stole his head in constant soothing motions. Goro idly recalls his mother always having that expression when she would lead Goro to the men, their expressions predatory and frightening.

At the sight of her son now awake, Goro’s mother smiled gently at him and proceeded to kiss the bruise on his forehead. She looked at her son in the eye, smile both gentle and eerie.

“We have to get ready love, those men will be coming soon and we want you to be nice and pretty for them won’t we?”

Goro nodded and smiled despite the lingering pains from his bruised lips, stinging in protest at the motion. His mother was right, she was always right. He had to get ready for those men, even if they did things that Goro did not understand, and touched him in places he didn’t like. Goro understood. It was to make his mother happy- his mother who only wanted the best for him, who loved him and never intended to hurt him...

So with the violent exchange now repressed and forgotten from the child’s mind, he got up to go do as his mother said.

* * *

Akechi woke up, panting heavily in fright, distinctly feeling Kurusu’s hand on his shoulder, his voice etched with concern. 

The sudden rush of unpleasant memories burnt through his skin, and he curled into himself suddenly feeling used and dirty in ways he hadn’t felt before.

He ignored the hushed and gentle lull of Kurusu’s concerned words as he huddled into himself, his nails digging into his scalp just like his mother had...

his mother, who hurt him, abused him. But she had good reasons to. She only did that because she loved him...

_right_?

He laughed bitterly, tears welling in his eyes from despair and confusion.

In a sudden moment of desperate vulnerability at the sudden onslaught of repressed memories, Akechi latched onto Kurusu and hugged him, ugly tears and snot definitely going onto the bespectacled man’s shirt.

As Kurusu rubbed soothing motions into his back and cooed reassurances to him Akechi only continued to cry, starting to feel a true sense of love for the first time.


	2. It's going to be okay...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akechi reveals things to Akira, Akira tries to be there for him but sometimes some scars run too deep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Akechi gets hugs this chapter and revelations are brought to light which are then briefly discussed.

When Akechi began to clutch onto Akira and sob into his shoulder, Akira was momentarily stunned but immediately began to console Akechi, gently holding onto him and whispering reassuring words as he continued to cry. It was currently midnight with only Akechi and Akira at Leblanc. Despite the thieves worry about leaving Akechi with Akira, he had insisted- especially averting his gaze from Futaba, Haru and avoiding the harsh glare of Morgana. Essentially kicking him out to go stay with Futaba and Sojiro for the night. 

Akira had not yet slept, when Akechi began to toss and turn in his sleep, whimpering as though he were in pain which sadly didn't surprise Akira, judging by what was seen in his palace, the young detective obviously had endured a lot of trauma which remained unresolved and unattended to.

"And what's the deal with his mother?" Akira murmured, remembering the woman back at the palace and when Akechi had first murmured her name a few weeks back. She had looked so much like Akechi, but even with her mask it didn't conceal her aura which radiated a grim sense of hatred, eeriness and a profound internal ugliness that made even Akira shudder in fright. 

'Is this what Akechi had to live with?' Akira thought in sorrow, 'Was his mother actually like that, has he ever been truly loved? He had to have been...right?' 

Akira only hoped that wasn't the case, that Akechi's view of his mother of him had been distorted, that his self-hatred had reflected onto his mother like it had done with Futaba. But even with Akira's hopes, he only knew that he was convincing himself of what in reality was a grim and traumatising past. 

And that was when suddenly Akechi had sprung awake, his breathing rapid and shallow as he began to curl into himself, clutching his scalp so hard, nails digging into his skin that Akira thought momentarily that they might bleed. He immediately rose up from his bed to emigrate to the sofa Akechi was placed at and touched his shoulder in reassurance. Although the endeavour was pointless, Akechi remained unaware of his presence as he brought himself into a panic attack and then suddenly clutched onto him which Akira immediately responded too. 

"Please don't mother, please don't let them touch me" Akira could hear Akechi mumble brokenly, muffled by the fabric of his shirt. Akira although confused and filled with dread only hugged Akechi even more and began to rub his back reassuringly. After what seemed like a lifetime, his episode seemed to pass and Akira looked down to find that Akechi had collapsed onto him in exhaustion. And so with the upmost care, Akira gently carried him to his bed and tucked him in to let him sleep. 

He could take the couch for tonight...

* * *

It was the next morning, when Akechi came down the stairs, his appearance looking haggard, eyes red rimmed from exhaustion and last night's tears. Akira was surprised, it was only 5am on a Sunday and so Leblanc was still closed and everyone was still asleep in their own homes and Akira assumed based on last night and the reoccurring fevers Akechi's been having that he would stay in bed. 

But Akechi has always been full of surprises. And so with no questions asked Akira began to cook for his (reluctant?) guest, and seeing how thin Akechi looked with his clothes on he took note to cook up more curry than usual. 

Akechi still hadn't said a word, he was currently seated in one of the booths staring into space. As the air remained tense, Akira found himself nervous. Was he supposed to start talking about last night or?...

"Kurusu?" 

It seemed Akira didn't have to initiate anything which he was relieved by, if they were going to talk about Akechi's past they were going to do it on his terms. Akira had already invaded his privacy without his consent, the least he could do is give Akechi the free will to make his decisions. 

"What are your parent's like?"

Akira was momentarily stunned, he had not expected Akechi to ask about him. In the weeks that he's been here, Akechi seemed to try and create as much distance he could between him and the thieves only answering questions regarding Shido with small answers, along with spacing out and outright ignoring the few personal questions concerning his past or palace. 

He had never asked the other thieves about their lives. 

"Well my parent's were the kind to leave you alone you know?" Akira said as he began to prepare the curry, Akechi only hummed, eyes ever distant as he stared at the wall, gaze glassy and faraway that without the verbal confirmation, Akira would have doubted he was even listening. 

Akira continued, looking back down as he continued to make the curry. 

"I know both my parents cared about me, but I knew that I was never going to be their number one priority...It's just I knew that they cared more about what I could do for them rather than them caring about me as a human being, and with my arrest and probation...."

Akira let the conversation trail off, knowing that Akechi had an inkling as to what was going to be said anyway. Akechi continued to gaze at the door in front of him, gaze distant but Akira knew he had heard every word. with the atmosphere now tensely silent Akira only continued to make the curry and coffee, only glancing at Akechi a few times in concern. It was only after he had handed Akechi the food, and sat opposite him and eating his own meal that Akechi began to talk again. 

"My mother..." Akechi breathed as though bracing himself "my mother used to beat me." 

Although horrified and stunned by the blunt revelation, Akira forced himself to retain and neutral expression and placed his fork down as he stared at Akechi waiting for him to continue. He knew Akechi would have stopped if Akira showed any signs of pity. 

"I dreamt about my mother, she was crying in the bathroom and I went to go hug her, but then she threw me to the floor and beat me till I became black and blue and fell unconscious." 

Akira heavily resisted the urge to gasp in sympathy and go an hug Akechi in comfort, but he knew that such sympathies would be met with Akechi only closing up, no. Akira needed to be strong for Akechi, he knew opening up about his past was the first step to his recovery and Akira wanted to be there every step of the way for him. 

"But it wasn't a dream was it?" Akechi asked, his crimson eyes shifting to Akira, gaze robotic and emotionless, that Akira would have mistaken him for a corpse if it weren't for the blinking and slight rise and fall of his chest. Even though the question was rhetorical, Akira knew that the fact was true, even if not directly seen in his palace the implications were there and he couldn't lie to Akechi to try and reassure him. It would only make the situation worse. 

"No, it wasn't..." Akira breathed, allowing his tone to betray a small ounce of the overmounting sympathy he felt for Akechi. No child should have to have gone through what he did.

No-one had ever loved him, not even his own mother. 

Akechi only nodded slightly, gaze now looking down at his untouched coffee and curry almost in disinterest. Akira was suddenly frightened at how calm Akechi seemed with talking about his abusive past. But he faintly recalls Maruki talking about dissociation and memory repression when young children going through traumatic events. 

'Oh God- did, did he think his mother was a good person before we--' 

"I get why she did it though." 

Akira's thoughts abruptly stopped as he looked at Akechi again to see him shrug nonchalantly, gaze empty as he continued to stare at his food with an emotionless expression.

"Huh?" Akira said dumbly, a dumbfound and horrified look on his face as he looked on at Akechi in sorrow and confusion, his face betraying his true feelings. Akechi still hadn't bothered to look up at him to see Akira's face, his gaze still on his food. 

"I obviously deserved it, she had good reason to do it, she-" Akechi stuttered momentarily, his tone almost in a way like he was trying to convince himself of what was being said. "She needed to beat me to let her stress out, and its my fault anyway for stressing her out so she isn't to blame at all."

Akechi then continued on almost in a trance like state, either ignoring or not acknowledging Akira's growing expression of sorrow and horror of what Akechi was speaking.

"And-and she had to give me to those men, she needed the money and so it's understandable that-"

"Akechi!"

Akechi seemingly snapped out of his dazed state and he looked up at Akira, expression broken and empty all at once while Akira looked at him, tears swimming in his eyes as he looked at Akechi in sympathy. When Akechi made no move to get away, Akira stood up and sat next to Akechi.

Akechi still made no move to get away. Good sign. 

"Can I hug you?" Akira asked, looking at the broken and fragile boy next to him. 

a pause, then a slight nod.

Akira gently grasped the boy, who made no movement that suggested neither discomfort nor content. 

Akechi let himself remain motionless as he let Akira hug him. 

he didn't return it... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put Stockholm syndrome as a tag because even though I know it is commonly associated with captives developing an emotional bond with their captors, I feel like the same can be applied for victims of abuse. Even though Akechi's repressed memories have been brought to light, he still defends his mother's actions and puts the blame on himself. 
> 
> I think its important to note that Akechi's trauma runs quite deeply and since he's never had time to address it and heal from it, I don't want the idea of the Phantom Thieves just eradicating all his trauma with the whole 'power of friendship'. To recover he needs the proper help and the time to do so, but for now he just has to rely on others which is the first step to his healing.


	3. We're here for him...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The thieves have a discussion and Akira honours Akechi's trust, thereby slowly building their bond.

"Is everything okay?" It was Makoto who had asked the question, Akira had quickly looked up from his embrace to realize that the thieves had all arrived and entered Leblanc without him or Akechi's notice. Akira noticed that Akechi had begun to let go from the embrace, his face still blank, tired and emotionless and with Akira's red rimmed eyes caused by what was just discussed, it was understandable that the Phantom Thieves were concerned. 

Akira shuffled lightly, trying to compose himself. Morgana who was currently perched on Futaba's shoulder had hopped down and settled himself under Akira's chin in comfort, Akira appreciating the gesture had nuzzled into his warmth. The thieves all began to sit around Akechi and Akira in the booth, looking at both in concern and Akira was grateful for it and his heart somewhat broke again knowing that Akechi probably never had anyone's concern, not even his own mother's, who Akira has found out had used her small, innocent child in such a cruel and dehumanising way that it made his blood boil in rage. 

flashes of the sweet, innocent shadow version of Akechi in the palace being used in such a horrifying way made Akira shudder.

'He was probably even younger when that stuff happened to him, given his age in the flashbacks of the orphanage.' 

Akira resisted the impulse to throw up and promised to himself that he and and the thieves were going to do everything they could to help Akechi realize that he was loved. But he knew the ordeals that Akechi's endured needed more than just reassurances and friendship and Akira was at a loss on how to help him heal...

'Could he even heal from something like this?...'

"We are fine" Akechi answered, making Akira realize that he had never answered Makoto's question. When the thieves all looked at Akechi, his face was still blank and glassy which made all the thieves frown in agitation and worry. They had never seen Akechi like this, in the month that he's been holed up at Leblanc he had been prickly and distant, with an air of apathy and pessimism. 

This Akechi looked...broken and damaged. Akira only supposed that his internal feelings were being let out. 

None of the thieves were reassured by Akechi's answer, Makoto raising her eyebrow in scepticism and the rest were looking at him, as if trying to analyse what Akechi was really thinking. 

"Well if you're sure..." Yusuke answered, eyebrows pinched as he looked from Akechi and Akira. The atmosphere had suddenly become silent, the air tense as it had become numerous times since Akechi has been here. Akira knew that it was going to take some time for Akechi to fully integrate with the thieves and vice versa but the air of obvious distrust still made his heart break, especially knowing the full extent of what Akechi's been through. 

A few seconds into the tense silence, Akechi stood up making all the thieves look at him in alarm and confusion. 

"Hey! Where ya goin?" Ryuji asked in confusion. Akira noted that even a month later, Ryuji still had lingering bruises on his face and had winced from time to time, subtly holding his jaw. 

Akechi had certainly done a number on him...

Akechi answered, voice quiet and empty, as if all the emotion had been sucked out from him. 

"Upstairs, my head hurts and I'm sleepy, try to keep it down." 

As he walked towards the stairs towards the attic, Akechi then turned to look at Akira, his expression still empty and yet Akira could see a hint and vulnerability and fear in his expression. 

"Don't you dare tell them Kurusu." 

With the threat that seemed more like a plea, Akira nodded noting the confused look he thieves held as Akechi headed upstairs, not sparing a glance to any of them. Akira knew that the thieves were burning with curiosity about what Akechi was referring to, but Akira would never betray Akechi's trust like that. He couldn't tell such a devastating account of Akechi's past without Akechi's consent or knowledge. 

He wouldn't hurt him, and if the friends had to be let in the dark then so be it.

* * *

"So, what was Akechi-kun referring too?" Haru asked as soon as Akechi had gone upstairs. The thieves all turned to their leader curiosity burning in their eyes. 

"Yeah, was it anything to do with Shido, or his past, or his mom? I mean we have the right to know, we looked in his palace so its not like we don't already know everything about him, right?" Ryuji asked. 

Akira breathed out, waiting patiently as everyone had finished their discussions and turned to Akira in question. 

"Well Akira?" Makoto asked, expression fiery and patient, "what was Akechi threatening you not to tell us?"

....

"It isn't my place to say, but its nothing about our mission or Shido but it does concern Akechi's past...and its not my place to tell." 

the thieves had all gone silent, until Morgana looked up confusion and suspicion marring his gaze.

"But why would he threaten you though? And there shouldn't be anything to hide considering we saw kind of everything about his past." 

Everyone had become silent, expressions morphing into guilt and sorrow no doubt remembering the things they had accidently seen.

Ann suddenly spoke up, "yeah I mean we just want to help him and he's not letting us do that? We don't want to _hurt_ Akechi, we just want to help him..." 

"Just leave it guys..." Futaba had quietly spoken up, he expression shadowed but Akira could see her trembling fingers as she placed her hands on her knees, almost to draw herself in. "We saw things without his consent, and I know better than anyone that with trauma you have to tell when your ready."

She looked up, her expression uncharacteristically steely. "And Akechi isn't ready so we should just leave it." 

It was silent until Yusuke nodded in agreement. "That's right, whatever Akechi has experienced, its not in our place to pry... I mean there's things Madarame has done to me that I don't feel comfortable with even with my friends, so I can't imagine Akechi wanting to disclose private information with people he barely knows." 

After a few seconds, they all murmured in agreement and Akira blew a sigh of relief. 

'Don't worry Akechi we will do everything we can to help you.'

* * *

Meanwhile, Akechi was leaning tiredly against the balcony upstairs, silently crying in both confusion, despair and relief, a boy's voice echoing in his head.

"See, you can trust them!"

Akechi let himself cry. 

Not yet, but maybe one day he could trust himself to tell them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter was kinda weak :/  
> But I hope you enjoyed!!! feel free to comment!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed and please check out P5soleilnoir and their stories. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
